Racing thoughts

My mind feels trapped, unable to speak out from the daily pains, no one to talk to. This is my only way to speak out. I was cast out from family for no reason and this continuously haunts my thoughts. They didn’t want to deal with my downfalls or tragedies for having nearly everything that was stolen and no place to call home. We were entrusted with the communication and assurance that we would have a place to stay until we got back on our feet. Instead, we were thrown to wolves,

cast out from a people I once called family. Now, they are mere blood relatives and nothing more. Two days away from surgery and I am terrified, frustrated, angry, and scared.

I had another doctor's appointment today and during the million questionnaires from the office staff. One question that was asked and I had no idea what the word meant after they asked the questions, "do you use contraceptives?". My interpretation of it at first was drugs. Any other day I walk into a doctor's office and asked that question I knew the correct meaning of it. Today, forget it. I made myself look like an everyday high school student still learning about Algebra, American history, and Biology.

My eyesight is straining to try to focus. My head won’t stop hurting even with the Fioricet medication. All I want to do is sleep but my head hurts so much that I can’t fall asleep. The pressure is immensely painful.  Reading is impossible at this point, all I can read is large print, anything small is just a blur. The littlest sounds are like nails on a chalkboard.

The longer I stand, the worse the pressure gets. My head is being consumed by this fluid and there is no medication I can take that will make it go away. The medications doctors have given me will only take the edge of the pain away, enough so I can at least write a little. Focusing on daily tasks, like reading and writing clearly is becoming unbearable. The more I concentrate, the worse and harder it gets to focus.

Floundering around the house as it may appear that no pain is shown when it is within. This makes it hard for people to see how much pain I’m actually in and think I’m fine, when, in fact, I’m in agony. Just two more days, I tell myself. Reminding me of what is to come. I’m just happy that I will get an undisrupted slumber for two to three hours while the doctors operate.

My writing is dwindling, trying mischievously yet, disorganization is what brings my thoughts and memories together. It will be fascinating to see how well my symptoms improve after surgery. I’m tempted to create a list of such tasks that I should attempt afterward. Although waking up from surgery, I have a feeling the only thing I will be doing is resting, sleeping, and relaxing while my body recovers. 

After surgery, I am going to analyze my writing, picking at the critical pieces and improving sentencing structures, paragraph formality, uniting and rectifying unnecessary word structures.